Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?











To find a tight SEAL!!!!

 

well these are some nice jokes. I'm sure you guys can do better though

 

Just think if the Indians gave the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of a$$ for thanksgiving

 

Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver's license?





Because she got an "F" in sex :P

 

A woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the Texas
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police
Ball.' He replied, 'Texas State Troopers don't have *****.' There was a
moment of silence while she smiled and he realised what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing
too hard to start her car.

 

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

 

this one is winning so far

 

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father."Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl."You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father. "I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

 

George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish, the bald man who had cleaned him out.
As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said sarcastically, "Your head feels just like my wife's ****." Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're right. It does!"

 

How do you drown a blonde?


put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool....

haha

 

Why did the blonde on her way to Disney World never arrive?

She saw a sign that said "Disney World LEFT", so she turned around and went home!


haha

 

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok". Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger either."

 

Why do women wear flowers on their underwear?





In memory of all the faces that were buried there.

 

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit...

Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup...

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't...

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me...

I told her that was what the beer was for!

I don't think shes coming back...



haha!!!

 

One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a
car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven.
She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?" He says "Soon, I have some things to take care of." So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?" St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes. Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan."