Sheeeeee... I put women to work. Let me at her..

Did I win?

 

A guy goes into a bar a orders 10 shots of wiskey and drinks them all, the bartender comes up and say you must be celebrating something, the man says "yea my first blow Job". The bartender says wow let me buy you a shot. The guys says no thanks if ten does not wash the taste out of my mouth eleven will not help.

 

Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's Private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'you know, I Could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy' Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the Window and make a hundred people very happy.'
Hearing their exchange the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there.' I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 Million people very happy.'

 

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"


By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in... Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side"

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!

GOD Bless America

 

a woman is walking home from work one day in the city, about 5 blocks from her apartment a normal looking man stops her and says "excuse me miss, I dont mean to be rude but you are very attractive." "have you ever done any kind of modeling or movie work?" she says no. "well i just think you are so attractive, I will give you 50 dollars to bite your nipples." The woman looks at him as if he was crazy. "No thanks", she replies. He says "OK, 100 dollars." The woman just shakes her head and tells the man to leave her alone and walks off. She gets about 2 blocks from her house and is late so her roomate calls to check on her. She explains the situation to her roomate and her roomate says "Well girl, you do have rent to pay haha!" the man walks up again and says "I'm so sorry Mam, im not a nut case i just think you are beautiful and i will give you $1000 to bite your nipples"
the lady thinks about her financial situation and finally agrees but they have to go into the alley so no one can see. so teh man starts kissing on her *****, playing with her ***** and licking them. After about 10 min goes by she says "Hey are you gonna bite my nipples or what?" the guy looks up at her and says "HELL, NO IT COSTS TOO MUCH" HAHAHAHAHA

 

How many animals are in a pair of panty hose?

10 little piggies
2 calves
1 azz
and a fish no one can find

 

A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. He ends up in the chair, and the dentist is ready to give me him the numbing shot. The man screams and says I can't do shots, so the dentist says, "ok can I will give you laughing gas? " The man replies, I can't do gas either. The dentist then asks, " will you take pills? The man replies, "yes I can do pills. So the dentist returns with two little blue pills and gives it to the man. The dentist leaves and returns a few minutes later with a drill. As he begins his work; the man says, wait the pills aren't working; my mouth isn't numb. The dentist replies; it's not suppose to make your mouth numb. The man says, "well is it going to hurt?" The dentist replies, "yes alot." The man replies, well what the hell did you give me!" The dentist replies, " well I gave you Viagra... The man looks at him funny and asks, "why in the hell did you give me Viagra? The dentist replies, I gave you Viagra, so when I begin to pull your tooth; you will have something to hold on to.

 

This thread is making me feel a lot better - i was sick all night.

Here's a quick one.. What's the difference between a fairy tale and a war story?

a fairy tale begins "once upon a time" and a war story begins "this ain't no bullsh*t - this really happened"

 

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Mitsubishi Evo next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Evo, that I noticed a little puddle of oil under it.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

 

^^ so true lol somehow evo problems always surpass and become more important than any other issues...

 

so..
a baby seal walks into a club.

 

Andy and randy are astronauts, they were on a mission to the moon to put an american flag, andy step foot on the moon, walked 20 feet placed the flag straight up and floated back to the shuttle, the door somehow locked itself, andy knocked lightly to let randy hear him, no answer, andy banged, no answer, andy furiously slammed the door, thats when randy answered "who is it?"

 

Doctor walks out and says to guy "congratulations the delivery was a success your wife had quintuplets." The guy responds " yes doc, its cause I have a cannon!" "well..." says the doctor, "you better think about giving it a little cleaning cause all the kids came out black!"

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Father comes back from hunting and decides to cook what he killed and let the kids guess what they are eating. "Ok kids, I'm going to give you one guess to try and figure out what this is, mom always calls me this." One of the kids throws his fork and says "don't eat it, it's a f#$%ing @&&hole!"

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A blonde suspects that her husband is cheating on her so she goes and buys a gun. When she arrives home she finds her husband and a gorgeous red head in bed. She pulls the gun out of her purse and puts it up to her head. The husband says, "don't do it honey, don't shoot yourself" she yells back "shut up you fool, your next!"

 

haha nice

 

i seen this video...