UT_Evo

iTrader: (5)

This thread is the best ever, and should continue even after the contest is over. Anyway, here's my early Thanksgiving morning contributions:

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I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself

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Two atoms meet up with each other. One says to the other "I think I've lost an electron" The other says "Are you sure?" Then the other replies "I'm positive."

gunhaha

iTrader: (5)

Can you post more detailed pics of Karla...um...I mean the catch can?

Ph3n1x

iTrader: (12)

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” offered by an English professor a University

The professor told his class one day:

“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.

The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.

The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students Rebecca and Gary:

THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurried and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)

*** Hole

(Gary)

Bit7h

(Rebecca)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - *****.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

dustin03

iTrader: (54)

When do you know its bed time at Michael Jackson's house. When the big hand meets the little hand.

UT_Evo

iTrader: (5)

Time to head home from work, but before I do, one more for the road, a personal favorite of mine:

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? With the Porsche, the ****** are on the inside.

---------And another Porsche one------

One day a man is leaving his house, he gives his blonde daughter a paint brush and a can of white paint. He looks at her and says "I want you to paint the porch for me while I am gone, then I will take you to get ice cream" She says "Okay!"

The father leaves with his carpool for work. When he returns home he comes through the front door and notices the porch is still unpainted. Furious, he goes inside to his daughter and says "Honey, why didn't you paint the porch like I asked?" The daughter looks at him and says "But I did daddy, it's in the garage where you always park it."

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Personally, I love the last one, because so many people say Porsche wrong, it cracks me up... Plus my 75 year old grandma told it to me. Clearly not looking to win the contest, just contributing to the best thread ever.

UT_Evo

iTrader: (5)

Also, for kicks:

A guy walks into a bar... Oh, you've heard that one? Well... A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

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A dyslexic agnostic insomniac: spends all his time awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

Bergen Automotive

iTrader: (27)

well i got one,

a guy thats been married for 67 years is talking to his friends son, so the kid asks how happy are you with your wife after being married that long? the guy tells the kid, you know when you say "till death do us part" kid says ya, old guy says, "well later on you are gonna realize you are setting a goal for yourself"

( i think its funny)

boostinjuice

iTrader: (5)

What do Michael Jackson and white castle have in common......

They both stick 50 year old meat in 4 year old buns.

Red_KY_Evo

iTrader: (5)

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex....she opens the door of the Evo!

Pure Playaer

iTrader: (14)

^^ Winner right there

silver9mr

iTrader: (8)

so one day a man walks into a bar and notices a horse sitting at the end with a can of money in front of him. the man asks the bartender why there was a horse at the bar with a can of money so the bartender says if u can make that horse laugh u can take his money. the man walks over to the horse whispers something into its ear and the horse starts to laugh hysterically so the man takes the horses money and walk out. a week later the same man returns to the bar and sees the horse again with a can full of money so the man asks the bartender what the horse was doing there again and the bartender replies that if he could now make the horse cry he could take its money, so the man walks over to the horse and whispers something to the horse and then shows him something then the horse starts crying so the man takes the money and walks away but as the man was walking away the bartender asked him how he was able to get his money each time so the man told him that last week when he mad the horse laugh he told it that he had a bigger ***** than him which the horse laughed and than this time when he made the horse cry he dropped his pants and showed the horse he was telling the truth and mad the horse cry..



so when will we find out who is the winner of this contest???????????

dustin03

iTrader: (54)

Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks

dhonda

iTrader: (5)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He does not appear to be breathing.

The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Calm down. Just take it easy. First let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"

dustin03

iTrader: (54)

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

ak47po

iTrader: (3)

The Blonde & The Coke Machine

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.
And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"