Philadelphia's Classiest Drunkards
Damn it's quiet in here!
1. I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no ****ing way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around the rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that **** up in 2 seconds. When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh **** I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you *******.
2. In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted lou dly, turned, and walked away.. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the event s of that day. Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
3. The other day I was walking down the road when I saw this little kid skipping rocks out into the lake. I started thinking about those poor rocks. One moments they're sitting there in the sun, all warm and rocky, then the next they're flying through the air and then suddenly sinking into the cold, dark, depths of the lake. Before I knew what was happening an intense, burning anger overcame me. I said "hey little kid, how would you like it if I picked you up and tossed you out into the cold lake?" Tears welled up in his little kid eyes and he kind of whimpered back "I'm sorry but I wouldnt like it at all sir". And you know what? I believed him. And it turns out the little **** was right. He cried the whole time he was in the air, but as he sank I bet he was thinking "I'll tell those rocks I'm sorry when I get to the bottom".
4. Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the
"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
5. I have a morning ritual that I need to share. I call it "the terminator". First I crouch down in the shower in the classic "naked terminator traveling through time" pose. With my eyes closed I crouch there for a minute, visualizing either Arnold or the guy from the second movie (not the chick in the third one because that one sucked) and I start to hum the terminator theme. Then I slowly rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me to proceed through my day as an emotionless, cyborg badass. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It ruins the fantasy.
1. I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no ****ing way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around the rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that **** up in 2 seconds. When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh **** I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you *******.
2. In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted lou dly, turned, and walked away.. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the event s of that day. Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
3. The other day I was walking down the road when I saw this little kid skipping rocks out into the lake. I started thinking about those poor rocks. One moments they're sitting there in the sun, all warm and rocky, then the next they're flying through the air and then suddenly sinking into the cold, dark, depths of the lake. Before I knew what was happening an intense, burning anger overcame me. I said "hey little kid, how would you like it if I picked you up and tossed you out into the cold lake?" Tears welled up in his little kid eyes and he kind of whimpered back "I'm sorry but I wouldnt like it at all sir". And you know what? I believed him. And it turns out the little **** was right. He cried the whole time he was in the air, but as he sank I bet he was thinking "I'll tell those rocks I'm sorry when I get to the bottom".
4. Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the
"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
5. I have a morning ritual that I need to share. I call it "the terminator". First I crouch down in the shower in the classic "naked terminator traveling through time" pose. With my eyes closed I crouch there for a minute, visualizing either Arnold or the guy from the second movie (not the chick in the third one because that one sucked) and I start to hum the terminator theme. Then I slowly rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me to proceed through my day as an emotionless, cyborg badass. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It ruins the fantasy.
^lol
i heard that NJMP is offering an 'off-season' special between 12/1/11 - 3/1/12 @ $3,995 per day for the whole track (either one) from 9am-4pm. This amount includes breakfest & lunch along with towing and emergency services if needed. the only thing not included is flaggers ($1500 extra), but we can rotate flagging assignments between drivers (like working @ autox) to save money.
If we get 20 people it would only be $200/day for 6 hours of track time. In order to make it happen we'd need to pick a date and put a deposit down. We would race rain or shine, but if there is snow the date can be moved. Just throwing it out there...
i heard that NJMP is offering an 'off-season' special between 12/1/11 - 3/1/12 @ $3,995 per day for the whole track (either one) from 9am-4pm. This amount includes breakfest & lunch along with towing and emergency services if needed. the only thing not included is flaggers ($1500 extra), but we can rotate flagging assignments between drivers (like working @ autox) to save money.
If we get 20 people it would only be $200/day for 6 hours of track time. In order to make it happen we'd need to pick a date and put a deposit down. We would race rain or shine, but if there is snow the date can be moved. Just throwing it out there...